Funny Fridays: Child's Play Review (From a Chucky Aficionado)

My wife and I enjoy the finer things of life. A sweet wine, fancy dining, and only the most quality of Child's Play products. We are Child Play snobs and the latest film from Orion Pictures did not present the fine art and production of Chucky that the audience has come to love on a decade basis.

Chucky is like a fine aged cheese and we got the Velveeta in this latest offering. As my wife and I entered the theater with great anticipation, the highest of hopes, we had expectations that needed to be fulfilled. Unfortunately, like the demise of the Beatles, Child's Play (2019) is the Yoko Ono of the bunch. Our hearts sank as we realized that all these years we have been spoiled by top shelf Chucky and now we were being exposed to the "New" Coke version.

*Sigh* Where to begin?

The cold open takes us to Vietnam, where minimum wage toy makers are building the latest Buddi dolls. A mid thirties man is staring off into space instead of building his Good Guys Doll. At this moment, I held my breath, wondering who was going to out themselves as the psychotic murderer. It couldn't be Charles Lee Ray. He would never go to Vietnam. Two minutes into this film and we realize there is no psychotic murderer. The villain is a day dreaming Vietnamese man who gets hurt feelings from his terrible boss. Okay? This is a new ingredient in the original recipe of Chucky stew. Surely, this day dreaming man knows voodoo and will use it to possess Chucky with a murderous soul. Surely, killing obsessed dolls and voodoo go together like bacon and eggs, Tom Cruise and charisma, or Dabbing and unemployment. Alas, voodoo is nixed and another ingredient (see cheaper) replaces the perfect concoction. The daydreaming Vietnamese man goes into Chucky's programming list and clicks: violent and swearing.

Chucky from Child's Play
Inspiration by Willem Dafoe?

Now pardon me, Orion Pictures. Maybe I come from an entitled generation that assumes all Chucky movies make perfect sense, but going into Buddi's option menu and clicking Violent and Swearing is beyond my suspension of belief that this series offers. Voodoo magic that transfers a murderers soul into a doll: within the realm of possibility. Toggling two options in debug mode: you lost me. Questions are building up within me like a whirlwind of geese in a tornado. Why would a toy company have an option to activate or deactivate violent mode? Why would the swearing command even be available? Should I look for these options in all my toys? Does my PS3 have a toggle switch for strangling me in my sleep? Do I have to make sure to deactivate my toaster's middle finger setting? Can my Furby peck my eyes out if I hold down the on switch for too long? Once again, I have been spoiled by the pageant of plausible voodoo/psychopath origin stories and now I must soil my intelligence with this.

Don't insult me by naming the main protagonist kid Andy! There is one Andy and his memory does not deserve to be besmirched by this recital of ridiculousness (Note: Original Andy is not dead, but I wonder if he feels neglected after seeing this). Andy and his mom (Ms. Andy?) are living in a generic bustling city. Andy feels like a fish out of water in his new home. We don't know Andy before the move, but we guess that he only owns three things: a Bluetooth Kaslan Speaker, A Bluetooth Kaslan police car, and a bat. His mother owns only three things as well: a Bluetooth Kaslan TV, a broken cell phone, and the complete series of Parks and Rec on DVD. This sets up the terrifying premise that Kaslan is the only wireless internet retailer of electronics in this universe. That is the scariest part of this movie: zero corporate competition in the wireless market. I mean look at those products. They are made with cheap cost cutting plastic. Part of me thinks this is a scathing documentary on then healthy war between Amazon and Google products. Capitalism demands competition.

Chucky plays games
Andy and Chucky play Great Value Goblins and Grottos

So Andy is pubescent teenager who learned his swearing from watching Netflix Originals. His mom feels bad for being a single mother who is dating the most recent graduate from Jerk Boyfriend University (JBU for short). So she buys him a doll that you give to toddlers!!! Not just any doll, but one she has knowledge of being broken. It is law in horror movies for the good guy to be dirt poor and always struggling, but at this point the real horror is why no one has called CPS on Andy's mom. There is clearly some mental illness. Andy accepts his Good Guy Doll with an ounce of compassion for his mom who suffers from delusional spells. He learns that Chucky is a very impressionable child that learns by example. So every friggin chance Andy gets, he shows Chucky rated R horror movies and how to stab sandwiches. Andy will also say things in front of Chucky like, "I wish (insert name) would go away forever," or "Wouldn't it be great if (insert name) was killed by a children's doll?" or "Where's Charles Lee Ray to save this film?"

Chucky gets more and more vicious as he lives with Andy. If you are not counting the family cat, Jerk Boyfriend is the first victim. Just in case everyone in the audience gets a swift wind of compassion toward abusive boyfriend, the movie throws in that he is also an adulterer who gets very bitter when asked to take down Christmas lights. If the adultery doesn't make you wish for his demise then the bitterness toward chores seals the deal. Chucky uses ungodly child strength to remove the ladder so that JB falls on his foot, snapping it. Then Chucky is able to orchestrate a death involving tangling JB in Christmas lights, while a very sharp weed whacking device eats them up like Pacman, resulting in JB getting his face ripped off. Let's recap: Chucky is an AI that learned how to stab sandwiches and sing the Buddi song to Andy. Somehow his programming jumped right to orchestrating a death trap that would make Home Alone's producers cry in jubilee. Also, Chucky has to be an amazing UFC fighter because his mounting techniques and submission holds are so effective against victims that are 4 times his weight. My only theory is that Day Dreaming Vietnamese Man also clicked Ungodly Strength and Knowledge of Weed Slicer Death Techniques.

Chucky sends the face of JB to Andy as a gift. Andy accidentally gives it to his neighbor across the hall as a gift. I am convinced that only Andy and Mr. Bean would get into this sort of hijinx.

Moving on. Andy hits Chucky with a hammer and uses some key to turn him off, making him the world's most incompetent villain. He then gets thrown into the garbage chute where all the convenient plot devices in this movie get chucked. Chucky gets resurrected by creepy janitor man who is planning to either sell him on ebay or watch Aubrey Plaza take a shower on a private camera (I am not 100% sure).

Chucky springs into action and uses a variety of Bluetooth inspired martial arts moves to make the creepy janitor have to hang from a pipe or get a band saw to the groin. In the Child's Play universe syncing your band saw to Bluetooth voice activation is all the rage. Chucky uses his knowledge of pipes and thermostats to make creepy janitor fall on the band saw. Why didn't creepy janitor swing over the band saw? No one knows.

Chucky's last revenge kill uses a self-driving Kaslan car and Detective Mike's mother. I don't have anything clever to say, I just thought you should know. Detective Mike is convinced that Andy is a psychotic monster who targets adulterers, voyeurs, and sweet old ladies. He arrests Andy in Zed Mart, the discount department store meant to hearken us back to the original Child's Play.

An Alexa device that understands what you are saying and helps you? Okay, movie, I will suspend my disbelief.

Meanwhile, Andy has friends that are on loan from Stranger Things and It. Tough red head (check), lumpy fat kid (check), misunderstood black kid (check). They all team up to fight Chucky in the department store. Chucky uses Bluetooth drones to cut people's arteries. What kind of blades are they putting on these drones? Is Zed Mart an arms supplier for the US military? Furthermore, Chucky starts activating the Bear Model of Good Guy Dolls to chop people up. Thank goodness he activated the razor sharp teeth, ungodly strength, and vicious claw function or it would just be a pathetic doll not hurting people.

Andy faces off with Chucky to save his mom in an incredibly easy battle. Stab Chucky, shoot him with a gun, and have his mom rip off his head. This death scene is an abomination to Chucky lore. Everyone knows that Chucky is not dead until you have chopped off a few limbs, burned him in a fire, shot him in the head, placed him in a blender, dipped him in lava, set off a few grenades in his mouth. Even after all that, you still have to decapitate him, disembowel him, garnish his wages, foreclose on his home, and defame him on social media. Then he only kinda dies.

This Chucky died so easily. It's not over, though, as we see another Chucky doll glow with red eyes before the fade out. WHAT??? SWERVE! A SECOND DAY DREAMING VIETNAMESE MAN???? ANOTHER TOGGLING OF OPTIONS????

Ladies and Gentleman: Child's Play 2: The Second Toggling

#funfridays #childsplay #summermovies #markhamil

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